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Mon, Dec. 2nd, 2013, 04:11 pm
Sorry for my Loss

I think I used to have brief moments of clarity...those moments may have been delusional but they had a sense of focus or maybe peace that appeals to my current mind.  I cant seem to hold a thought for long... it seems... but maybe I'm holding the same miserly thoughts to exclusion of others... holding them so tight I cannot properly mentally observe them... they are uncomfortable if not acutely painful... these thoughts... I instinctively claimed them as my own... but do I want them... and where is the real source of discomfort... the thoughts, the shape of mind... the else... the loss.

It is true that any loss implies a temporary boon... I hope to find my way around to that line of reasoning soon.

Tue, Jun. 4th, 2013, 01:45 pm
Baby's First Prison... or Let's be Breakout Kings!

I'm a slave(actually the PC term is indentured servant or employee) and being a slave makes me sad so I'm always on the lookout for an exit.

This has led me to seeking employment at various institutions... where I initially enjoy a honeymoon period where I am excited to learn new skills, interact with new people, and prove my ability to excel and perform at my new position.  However after a while usually after achieving goals that lead to significant revenue for my employer I realize... whoops I'm in a similar prison...

Q: Why do I keep "RONIN-RONIN-RONIN C'mon!?" (I like that Limp Bizkit song... or Fred Durst whatevs)
Translation: Why do I keep opting in for Indentured Servitude?

A: I need money.  Money will allow me to purchase goods and services to meet my basic needs without which I would perish.

So on a basic level I'm actually a slave to my needs... or I must meet the demands of my needs under the pain of death.  So if I can meet my basic needs independently then I can be freeish.

Before I explore that option too deeply I should consider if there are any other ways in which my thoughts or actions are restricted/imprisoned... if I'm going to be truly free I will need to address those issues as well.

Here is my list thus far... please feel free (hah) to let me know of any more you have identified.

Physical Needs
"No matter where I hide or stroll... hungry robbers demand their toll!" -Lazador
Eat or Die... I think most people get this one... but they don't see the downstream implications.
These basic physical needs... lead to fear of not being able to meet them... which lead to people being vulnerable to manipulations that prey upon either the fear or the need.
Fear is the anathema of rational thought so beware any arguments that begin with fear-mongering.

Be especially aware of fear in your own arguments or rationale.  You conclusions may still be valid, but it is a worthy exercise to review your reasoning and remove the fear factor.  This may be difficult and it may be helpful to theoretically pretend that the fear is non-valid and do a thought experiment with that new premise.  This may lead to some surprising insights.

...I know, I know... in the American workforce... "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Psychological Needs (for rational thought)
If my mind is not free then I am not free.  Generally while at work I find myself thinking about work related items and unfortunately work thoughts pollute my "non-working" hours as well.  I typically find that when my body is exhausted my mind is also... so I find that being employed  severely limits the amount of time that I have available for quality/deep "rational thought."  You know that stuff you need to make "good" decisions.

Fear clouds rational thought... and rational thought and understanding can dissipate fear.   We need to work on understanding the universe and ourselves and in doing so make live less fearful.  Its a virtuous circle or a vicious cycle depending on the direction we tread.

There are two major factors in making good decisions.  Information and Analysis
Rational thought is required to do analysis... and we talked about that above.
"Good" Information is also a key component in making "good" decisions.
Also if multiple parties are competing and one party has better or more complete information than the others then they have an advantage... and many times they may have a completely dominate situation.
Clearly information has value or corporations would not spend so much money to legitimize and enforce Intellectual property laws

...to much to say...look up IP arguments,

The goal should be improve the quality of everyone's life... not the profit margins of our "best" corporations.
Use the worst off person in society as a measure of success.

I'm definitely opposed to IP.  I'm thinking that the concept of "private property" in general may be part of the underlying problem.  Its a very me-centric way of thinking that doesn't scale massively very well.
I think the American Indians got burned by this one.

I think this is a major one... dont believe me... look up Big Data, Data Science, and AI.
We are now able to create computers that can out think our greatest single minds... who owns and controls these uber minds?  Whomever does will have a dominating advantage and competition will be history.(for better or worse)

I think that that all individuals should have the rights to access "the best" information that we have as a society... because if they do not then they cannot compete with those that do basically making them slaves to information overlords or ignorance at least.

Seriously... people and corporations already own all the available land in the world... including farmland and now the very seeds that could be used to grow food... so new humans have to play ball with the existing system OR STARVE!  The only way around that was... the thought that you could work hard and invent something new to make your own way to financial independence... but if corporations can camp out basic ideas FOREVER then even if you logically come to the same conclusions via your own efforts you are not allowed to use those ideas... even to continue onward to more complex ideas.  Basically... this is our last frontier... knowledge... and it should be for everyone.. because we iterate and grow technology according to Moors Law but only if American Law allows it... and being open is best way to achieve growth.  Err on the side of more open.

Intellectual property laws should be illegal... as they stifle innovation and are mainly used to impede competitors and society in general.

Corporations as they currently exist are mainly constructs designed to hide information/money and limit liability to the people that are profiting from the corporations existence.
I think the limits on liability are probably helpful... but the hiding of information and full accountability should be criminal.
We should redefine corporations in general.  Private corporations should have higher liabilities.
Public corporations should be completely open and transparent... down to the penny.
There should be a government database of all registered public companies on which you may see everyone that works there and their compensation packages in detail.

Corporations need to be explicitly excluded from many rights they currently enjoy/exploit.

The very structure of our language confines and influences our thinking.
Don't believe me... do some internet research... if you can(more on that later)
One minor example would be 3rd person English pronouns... there is not a way to simply refer to a sentient individual without referring to or implying gender.  In theory either (he or she) may be used... but attempt to  use either in this capacity and you will see it fail.  Also we have no gender neutral honorific equivalent to Mr. or Ms... this implies we only respect you if your gender is on the table/known. (Dont get me started on Mrs.!)

I'd recommend learning a few languages... but ultimately I'd recommend that we work together to analyze existing languages identify the best parts of them and attempt to synthesize a newer language that is more thought open... and be prepared to iterate this as we learn more.

They say that those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it.
They also say Monkey See Monkey Do.
They are both talking about the dangers of learning.

This section may not be too distinct from the society, laws, and information sections... but I'm brainstorming so cut me some slack... actually just cut everyone enough slack for all time.  We can all use some slack.

Actually... I'm going to assume this is subset of information and move on for now... no you cant have your slack back.

Laws confine our actions... and some even claim to factor in our intentions... which I think is difficult to measure currently and therefore a bad idea for laws... currently.

I think all laws should be challenges regularly and systematically and discarded when obsolete.

Laws are ultimately an overhead that society and individuals have to bear.

How can an individual be sure they are in full compliance with the law?
Hint: They currently cannot... at least not without considerable expense... and any expense ultimately impacts the ability to meet basic needs in our current society.
Also there is a good chance that you are currently out of compliance with many laws... and as cops and judges are wont to say... "ignorance of the law is no excuse!"  In my opinion there is no excuse for ignorant laws to persist... and it should be simple for members of society to remain in compliance with the law... in fact general laws should probably be taught in grade school.

The bad result of our current law system is that most people exist in a state of non-compliance with at least one of our laws... AKA being a criminal.  This means you and your grandma too.  Don't kid yourself.  Many of these laws are spurious and outdated... but people are still being incarcerated for them and charged with them.  Why?  Because there is a lot of money in the prison system... and the one way to justify the need for more prisons is to have a glut of prisoners.

As long as specialized training is required to understand laws I will consider this battle ongoing.

I think if society expects the individual to abide by a rule, that rule should be taught to the individual or made available to all individuals... freaking real time... and pre-real time. (proposed laws need to pre-"explained" in the same exact way so that the laymen can vote on these issues)

I'd recommend a government database web tool that uniquely identifies a person... and based on where you live it will compile a cascading list of all laws.... along with Q/A tests that you can fill out and update later to determine where you are in and out of compliance with the existing laws.
Also on this site is the anonymous sum of others and their levels of compliance.   This data would help us identify laws that should be removed  and help us comply and stay in compliance with all laws.
Also.. you want to move to a new location... computing... here are the changes you will need to make to remain in compliance... those could be linked to good and services... to help you calculate and account for currently hidden costs/boons of various laws and locations.

AKA other people judging you and all up in yo bidness...
Running out of time/steam... other people influence you... and can hurt you... I'm willing to bet that in America that a common underlying fear... is fear of other people... trying to take mah shit... via competition... etc. I think our current society is too focused on violent solutions to problems.  I understand some of the reasons why... violence is an amazingly useful tool that can solve many problems.  I'd argue its not an optimal solution especially as population numbers rise.  I struggle with the thought of how can a society become a peaceful one in a community of aggressive societies without being destroyed?  A few billion prisoner's dilemma iterations later... I have come to the conclusion that the peace is insufficient to "combat" aggression... and I'm now toying with the hypothesis that a nurturing society is the answer.  A nurturing society would be willing to use violence but only as rarely needed... and would mostly lead by example and by nurturing themselves to levels that make other societies want to join... the goal would be one global nurturing government that is entirely opt in.

How to make sure our policies and society are nurturing?  TBD.

For now death is the final prison... and the greatest threat to all living beings.  We should focus on extending longevity and ultimately defeating most causes of death.
I believe life and death should be entirely opt in.  So don't waste breath on doomsday scenarios like... what if I live forever but in pain... yadda yadda... seriously? You think I want to solve death but let the living suffer?! C'mon Holmes you are better than that and with a little help from your friends deathproof.

I want to be free... as truly free as any sentient being can be... and I want this option available for all the rest of you sentient beings as well.

This got ranty... and I will need to flesh out and amend and rework many of these ideas.

Wed, Apr. 24th, 2013, 01:25 pm
Bad Joke - I Don't Need Hearing Aids

I went to the doctor and he told me that I need hearing aids.
...and I was like "I don't need hearing aids!" and he was like "You're right.  I said you have AIDS."

But the joke is totally on him because it turns out I do need hearing aids.

This is how I try to explain to people to always get a second opinion when it comes to medicine.

Mon, Apr. 15th, 2013, 02:55 pm
Let's Talk about the 2nd Amendment...and guns

Amendment 2:(from Constitution)
A well regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.

Definition of Militia:(from Wikipedia)
A militia generally refers to an army or other fighting force that is composed of non-professional fighters.

Additional Context:
This Amendment was written after a revolution against what was perceived as an unjust government.
At the time this was written a militia could be nearly as well armed and as effective as a fighting force as the existing armies.

This amendment appears to be designed to allow the people to be able to muster an effective resistance against a potentially corrupt future government.  It has the foresight to realize that said potentially corrupt future government could make it illegal for its citizens to have the weapons or tools they need to be able to fight it.


Hold up there a second, Quicksdraw!  There is a more to chat about.  Let's do it socratic-ly!
Me - narrator
Q - Quicksdraw the gun advocate

Ready..... GO!:

me: What about knives?
Q:  Shoot what now?
me: Why are knives insufficient to protect ourselves from a corrupt government?
Q:  Are you seriously bringing a knife to a gun debate?

me: I know it sounds stupid... the Socratic method almost always sounds stupid at first... but the hope is to sound really smart at the end... I mean find the truth together via discourse.  These dumb questions help draw out the real crux of the issue... like in this case I think we both can agree that guns defeat knives, right?!
Q:  No shit.
me: And that if the government has guns and the militia only has knives then the militia isn't really going to be able to mount an effective resistance.
Q:  Still no shit... which is why we need our guns to be safe and....
me: So what if the government has a weapon(or weapons) that is so powerful that it makes all the civilian guns that you love so much look as wimpy as knives... or maybe even as wimpy as feathers?
Q:  You mean like artillery, missiles, and tanks?
me: I wasn't thinking about those but technically that is a good point... the founding fathers didn't know about these massively destructive type weapons when they inked the 2nd amendment... but in the spirit of being able to compete with the government's army surely they would want the people's militia to be able to compete... which would mean that the people should be able to have equivalent weaponry... tanks, missiles, artillery.
Q:  I'm starting to like this Socratic method stuff... tanks a bunch... I'ma get mah missile on now...
me:  Yeah... I think I'm doing it wrong... because based on our current reasoning the people should be allowed to have nuclear weapons, access to spy satellite information (because that provides tactical military advantage)... this is getting scary.
Q:  Son you are crazier than I am... I mean... you are crazy whereas I am completely sane and rational and no co-opted by special interest groups in any way... point is... nuclear weapons? People can't have nuclear weapons that is way too dangerous.
me:  Why not? This potentially corrupt government has nuclear weapons... how are we the people supposed to fight that with our meager tanks, non-nuclear missiles, artillery, navy and air force?
Q: We got an air force now?
me: and submarines... but we really need those nukes to compete.  I mean freedom isn't free am I right?  Despite to fact that is starts with the word free... the "dom" must be like a negating operator or something.
Q: Hell no! The last thing freedom is is free! We need those nukes!
me: But as great as all those weapons are... we still don't stand a chance against the Orbital Mind Control Lasers.
Q:  We can nuke em... wait those aren't even a real thing!
me:  Okay you got me there... but if they were real you might have a trouble nuking everything in sight if you got hit with those lasers first...
Q:  I'm pretty sure I'm immune because I know my own mind and no one can control my mind and if they even tried I'd just shoot out all the controlled parts of my brain and I'm sure I'd be fine...but lesser people than me might be affected and that could cause some serious issues with the revolution... but again they dont exist.  You cant control people's minds that science fiction mumbo jumbo.
me: Right... but propaganda is a well known and now finely honed weapon in the government's psychological war chest.. and that is kind of the equivalent.  If there is enough confusion and dissension then a modern militia could not reasonably coalesce without seeming like a crazy fringe threat anyways so the incumbent government wins by default. 
Q: ...sorry cant hear you over all the nuclear testing I'm doing over here.  Lets just agree to disagree and since I now have nukes that means you agree with me or die. How you like that method?
me:  But you don't actually have nukes...
Q: K THX BYE!!!!

That needs a little fine tuning... but the ultimate point is that guns are insufficient to enable the people to do what the 2nd amendment attempts to allow: the ability replace a corrupt government

I argue there are many better ways to protect the spirit of the 2nd amendment better:

Off the cuff ideas:
make psychological attacks illegal - the advertisement industry needs to be completely revamped. they have had free reign on our minds for way too long.
treating other sentient beings with respect - sentient beings tentatively defined as anything that can learn.
transparency where possible
Reduce fear and anger levels...
...I'm out of time.

Tue, Apr. 2nd, 2013, 01:33 pm
I said Good Day (a first world problem)

Matt Recchi once complained to me about how people standardly end conversations with strangers/customers etc.
Here was the crux of his "pain":

They are killing me with kindness...
...platitudes with attitudes?

The Nice Age:
For a while it seemed like "Have a nice day!" was the standard conversation termination string.
There were pins, there were shirts, people knew how to say goodbye and goodwill was spread an nobody felt like a dumb ass for trying to be nice.
But somewhere along the line "somemany" decided that they wanted an alternative so many started using "Have a Good Day!"
This particular shift seemed to happen quietly and with no objections... even from Matt... but some were not satisfied with wishing a mere "good day" to someone... why not wish for something more... something great... enter "Have a great day!"... a polite escalation into war.

From Good to Great... or Hate

Now the following scenario started to play out across the land...
Person A: Have a good day! (All smiles... they turn to walk away... heart filled with goodwill...until...)
Person B: You have a great day!  (I imagine it echoing in person A's mind via echoeffect("great day"))

WTF?! So now Person A is caught off guard... "great day?!"... are we saying "great day" now... I mean... nice day and good day are pretty close... I'd take either depending on mood... but good vs. great?  Great is clearly superior to good in every way... fuck yeah I'll take great day any time... but damn... all I wished Person B was a shitty good day... I may as well raped his mother in front of him in comparison to the great day he just gifted me. Damn I feel like an ass...how long have I been standing here half turned away... looking like a stroke victim with my half smile-half frown face... I cant just leave it at this... better do something...

Person A: *mumbling*... sjdfsjd.... er... "you too!" ( and they shuffle off in a shameful half walk-run... embarrassed...shamed... and doubting their very ability to interact safely with others... the seed of a type 2 personality disorder lodged firmly in their soul!)

...all because Person B escalated the platitude and maybe they even had like a super cheerful sing-songy way of expressing the platitude that made it seem more than just a platitude...as if they actually do wish that Person A does have a great day?  which is even worse... how do we know the conversation is over people?!  All that real shit needs to be in the main convo.

In any case Matt considered this escalation to be tantamount to an attack... so I crafted the perfect response.

The Perfect Solution:

Imagine that instead of running away... after Person A got his great big verbal bitch slap...he accepts the challenge.

Person A:
(turns back... smile gone... joyous eyes turned cold)
great day?! great?! day?!
No not just great... you deserve so much more... I wish upon you "your perfect day".  I want today to be the absolute best day of your life... I want each day that comes after to be just a pale shadow compared to this day... I want you to always think back to today and to how much better it is than every future now... I want you to remember how before today... a good day wasn't enough for you... and great days were so plentiful you gave them away without a care...

I'll take my good day back thank you very much... and I think you should keep your great one because I suspect you are going to need it in the dark days to come you happiness bound by mere greatness.
Enjoy your perfect day! (optional: You perfect son of a bitch!)

I think its important to mention that this is all spoken in a cold blooded matter of fact almost threatening tone.

Fri, Mar. 29th, 2013, 10:09 am
Oops I did it again...

...failed to post.Got lost in the lame!

So much to say my output buffer is being overloaded by mental expression requests... its like a denial of service attack on my communication aparati.
Yeah I'm a sucker for mis-pluralizing words ending in -us to -i.  That's right grammar we are breaking up going from us to I baby.  Actually... we should still stay in touch and be fuck buddies... lest I fall too far from the center of understanding... but I'm going to still push the boundaries...its how I'm wired.

So in the interest of not blowing my mental O-ring... I'm thinking I'll just bullet point a small subject line or tweets worth of data from the various mental clamourers and perhaps elaborate later... hahaha... I laugh but I really mean to:

  • I'm obsessed with the subject of learning with a current focus on machine learning.

  • I'm my longest relationship with Traci Glodery and she is amazing. I lurbs her.  I hope I (die before ruining it) or (gain immortality.)

  • I'm concerned that the toxic environment at my workplace and constant verbal abuse is undermining my self esteem and traumatizing me.

  • Loving someone is scary because now I have so much more to fear for... and I'm like riddled with fear as is.

  • I have a new logical respect for all sentient beings... and I can explain how so called "stupid people" are not really and have important value.

  • I have a theory on why it appears that many so called "smart people" appear to have no "common sense" and why many are considered socially awkward.

  • I believe that attention/awareness will become the strongest currency... and that simple observation is itself an important action.

  • I believe that communication is one of the most difficult problems we need to attack as a species... and I have a plan of attack. ("Talk to me")

  • ...ugh and work creeps in... must away... but I hope to post another day... soon.

Wed, Apr. 20th, 2011, 04:57 pm
I'm bad at posting...

So Traci and I are officially dating... it went something like:


I may have said something like "girlfriend is as girlfriend does, so you are my girlfriend."

Yeah really romantic I know.

Oh I decided that women that like to be romanced like to be gamed.

Mon, Mar. 7th, 2011, 03:23 pm
That explains me fucking the toaster.

 I'm a robot.

Wed, Feb. 16th, 2011, 12:19 pm
Things I like

Its strangely easy to forget the things that you like, love, or make you happy.  Stupid brain... thinking as it is now is as it always will be and jettison all that was that argues otherwise.

Teaching, training, learning, new stimuli.
I enjoy teaching and training... I believe because I also really enjoy learning and you may learn more from teaching a subject than you do just passively learning it.

Tue, Feb. 15th, 2011, 03:56 pm
How for Steve to write

I need to break things into small chapters.

Figure out key things that I want for major parts of the story.
Then figure out chapters... where do I want the story to be at each chapter's end.

Then write the in-between parts... so that ultimately I only have to write a single short story at any waypoint.

I need to elaborate on this...

Sat, Feb. 12th, 2011, 06:41 pm
I <3 Dubstep music

I've been soaking in Dubstep for the last 2 weeks or so... I really like it.

This specific style of music appears fairly structured... I was thinking perhaps I could make a Dubstep generator.
I could have a database of samples, beats, instruments, functions, modulations etc... I'm sure there are many details for me to learn...
Ultimately it would kewl to have the generator create a track... then I thumb it up or down like Pandora and it "learns" what ingredients/combos that I like in a song over time... so that it will start generating Dubstep songs with a high acceptance rate.

I guess long term I'd like to extend this to other genres of music...but at first I'm going to restrict it to one that doesn't have much in the way of lyrics... and one that I really like.

Ultimately this project is exciting because it might be able to answer empirically the question I could never honestly answer even to myself:
What's your favorite music?

I expect there are already projects doing something similar... I need to look into it a bit.

Wed, Feb. 9th, 2011, 09:48 am
Remix... a hurts when I pee mix-CD

 I'm working on a Mix CD for Tshop Ashley... it is slightly stressful yet exciting to be sharing music... there is an intimacy here that I had forgotten.  When I think back to some of the best times with Jia it involved music... dancing in the kitchen, DDR, Amplitude, SSX Tricky, or sitting in one of our cars playing music for each other for hours.  It is strange that I had forgotten that... stupid memory.  

Listening to songs for the Mix CD is rewarding... again I expose a failing in memory... I chose this line up of songs from memory and I chose songs that I remember as being awesome... however when I listened to the songs many that I haven't heard in years... I was surprised at how good they were... even though I chose them for just that purpose.  Its like my memory was good enough find and point to what I wanted... but not sufficient to store the excellence of the experience.  A memory dampening effect?  I hadn't heard many of these tracks in months or years even.

Hmm... in fairness I have many times experienced the opposite especially with regards to music... there are some songs that I love and I hear in my head so intensely... and then I will play the song and be disappointed... whats the problem?  The music seems weak and missing some key element of vitality and joy... and sometimes it could be just that my added ingredient of emotional context... how am I feeling emotionally when I'm listening to this music... but it is more than that... I think sometimes my brain tweaks the memory to make it a little more interesting... a little more of what it already likes... and sometimes I wish that I could share that experience... or find a way to tweak the song in reality until it jives with superior version in my head... perhaps this is what skilled re-mixers do.  It is a phenomenon worth mentioning.

Memory is elastic and imperfect and its true that you cannot trust your mind in the way that many people would like to think you can.

Sat, Jan. 29th, 2011, 11:49 pm
Laundry is the opposite of sex

One of my ex-girlfriends had a nightmare where she was coming on to me and I brushed her off saying "Don't you have some laundry to do?"

Ever since she told me about that dream I've thought of laundry as the opposite of sex.

Does that make folding clothes the opposite of a blow job?  That would certainly explain why I hate to fold clothes.

Thu, Jan. 27th, 2011, 06:02 pm
I don't know anything!

I had this mid-conscious goal of writing a little something everyday just to spark or rekindle the creative writing portion of my brain... unfortunately I also have the high-conscious need for it not to completely suck. I think maybe one of these guidelines have to go out the window... at least at first until I can find my creative voice again. How epic-fail sad?!

Also the mini-me sized fonts in the LJ editor are emasculating... I feel like everything I say is in a fucking whisper... I don't want to whisper... I WANT TO HEAR MYSELF TALK! 
...oh wait... I can change to Rich text and fudge with the font size... now I have no one to blame but myself for my feelings of inadequacy.  This will not do!  If forced to admit that I'm the source of my own problems I may actually have to come to some harsh realities, make some real decisions, and perhaps even... perhaps even attempt to make changes in my behavior... NO!!!!

I think a much better option is to continue acting in the same way that I have been... but expect different results.... be like Curly..."I'm just a victim of circumstance!"

"I guess he just rolled a one."
'...but he rolled two dice'
"yeah he really crit-failed that roll"

Wed, Jan. 26th, 2011, 10:09 am
Desperately Seeking Stephen(s)

It has been a long time since my last confession... five years? What's new?!

I'm in LA with Laser vision... the food is great, the traffic can suck, I like the energy here... but you can get lost here like anywhere else. I blinked and a couple more years had passed... and my tribe of one is aging dis-proportionally.

Some parts of me have grown strong and mature while others are weak and neglected... the parties in my head are starting to feel a scote-ch awkward... imagine starving children meet business professionals... also the Doom of Mundanity weighs upon me heavily. I need an audience... even a null one... or even future self... these timestamps will help you locate that lost soul.

I decided to buy my creativity some trainers and start feeding him again... its like going to the gym after a prolonged hiatus, its sad and demotivating... but so needed. Facebook and Twitter aren't the correct medium for my needs... not yet... maybe not ever... so I'm back here chasing the ghosts of Stevemas past. Can I find a spark of his joy and kindle it within me? Let's hope I'm still a compatible donor.

"I want to be a much better person, but instead I worsen with each passing day..."

Mon, Sep. 25th, 2006, 11:02 pm

Found this email I sent to Matt back when I worked at Medical Manager... I've got nothing this fun to say anymore.

I thank the deity for a continuing to deliver the pain that keeps me
strong and full of unfocused rage. Classic transference. I can't
get to god so I'll take it out on everyone else. We both know how
much life sucks. You can dwell on it or you can ignore/deny it, but
you can't get past it like some would have us believe. Our main
problem is that distraction is the key to happiness and we are too
aware of truths. We can NEVER be happy. We can only lose ourselves
in mutual superiority for intermediate streches of time. Super
powers or extreme wealth are part of our meager "hope" list because
they offer us endless distraction without having to come back "down
to earth" This is our ultimate "high but I'm even sadder because I'm
starting to doubt that we will ever obtain the uber wealth goal and
let's face it exposure to radiation only makes your dick fall off,
not a super power I'd consider too great. I'm beginning to think our
only hope now is a severe head trauma tossing us into the warm
embrace of mother-profoundly-retarded. Maybe your "last hope" list
contains the added member of "true love"... even if you are right you
can be sure that your "true love" was raped and killed by bikers in a
bar last weekend. What was she doing in a bar, you ask? Sorry man
she was cheating on you.
I know you know all this but sometimes things just have to be said
anyways. You know to give us the illusion that we have some power
over the situation. Somebody get me a yardstick.


Thu, Jun. 9th, 2005, 04:36 am
Tori Amos destroyed my hearing!

Methinks Beckerz was there... it was on a drive home from JAX airport.

I'm in the backseat with Tori... blasting from the back speakers... for about an hour... I tried covering my ears... I tried begging for the volume to be lowered... I even tried holding my precious ears drums still with the tips of my fingers... but unfortunately by then that high pitch wailing was in my bones and it just made things worse... I could feel myself getting deafer... and it wasn't a sweet release from sound... oh no... it was like all the years of hearing I was losing being crammed into a few short minutes... like the rest of my life flashing in front of my eyes except it was my ears... and apparently my future contains a fuckton of Tori Amos concerts.

Which reminds me of some advice that my grandfather never gave me but should have:

"Son, when you go to the doctor for some hearing aids make sure he doesn't stick you with the regular aids and cut your hair faggot."

Wed, May. 4th, 2005, 04:24 pm
Harnest the power of procrastination.

I need to find a way to capitalize on procrastination without any of the negative side effects.

I think the first step is to convince myself that an enormous task must be completed by tomorrow. This must be something not real so that when I don't get to accomplish it because I just had to do all the other tasks instead... it won't be a disaster.

Also it has to be more important than any other real task or I will attempt to do the imaginary task in procrastination of the real task. This would surely lead to something bad... like me going insane... me creating a wormhole into the dark demon dimension... me teleporting all of creation into a bunny's eye... stuff like that.

I guess the hardest part is getting myself to believe that its always due tomorrow... ever single day without my noticing that I had the same problem yesterday. This could be solved by damaging my brain in much the same way as that Guy (hehe) from Memento but I don't want tattoos so that is out.

Or maybe I should just go study for my final.

Mon, Apr. 4th, 2005, 04:19 pm
My evil twin or How Stella got her despair back.

Stella had everything that she thought was permanent in her life stripped away. Every thing that she thought she knew was proved wrong... and everything she did amounted to nothing. She looked in the mirror and didn't recognize herself... and couldn't even motivate herself to wish that she was dead. The worse part is that Stella knew that everything would be made right if she just took two steps in the right direction, but Stella wouldn't or couldn't do that... and it made Stella sick of herself.

And then amazingly Stella found the strength within herself to pull out of her funk... to dust herself off and make those positive changes... she took those two steps... and the better world that she entered turned out to be a lie and a trick and she was robbed of all her worldly goods. Then there is something about drug addiction and a time machine... but I might have imagined that last part thanks to all the drugs.

But the moron of the story is of course... -=Your Advertisement Here=-

Mon, Mar. 14th, 2005, 11:51 pm
I kill bitches cuz they're so malicious.

Gotta kill bitches.

Mon, Dec. 20th, 2004, 02:43 am
Ending is better than mending...

I quit my job this Friday, December 17th. Freedom!

Wed, Nov. 3rd, 2004, 11:51 pm
Four more years of winter...

Stupidity wins... I don't think I'm ever going to get used to the majority being morons.

We should make an organization called Save Florida which basically allows people to gain a sketchy but most importantly legal voting status in Florida so that the Democrats can win it. (Any less sketch than the way things have gone in florida these last two elections?)

Mon, Oct. 4th, 2004, 04:46 pm

I'm tired of not thinking. I'm tired of not acting.

I see flaws in tolerance. It is similar to faith, intolerance, and isolationism. They are all too blind.

I'm tired of being blind. I'm tired of a society of vampires that feeds on the blind.

I'd like to think that things will work out without my help. I worry that it is arrogant to think society needs my help.

I'm unsure how to proceed. My goal? Make the world a better place. I didn't say it was going to be easy.

Step one... stop being intentionally blind.

Fri, Jun. 11th, 2004, 11:55 pm
All good things...

Katie... I hope that we can still be friends...

Brian... you will be missed.

Wed, May. 19th, 2004, 09:49 pm

If you like penis, vagina and getting nut on your face...

Let me tell you my nigro... you've cum to the right place.

Fri, May. 14th, 2004, 11:53 pm
Like you care...

I started Summer classes this Monday. I am taking Number Theory, and Probability and Statistics I. (Which I found translates to just Probability-fine by me!) Part Jew is all Stats ofc. The professor for both classes is like this old math wizard... I feel like he wields math like magic not that he makes it obscure... in fact he goes slow and rigorously... which started to bore me until I started to pay attention to his random mumbling and I found most of them incredibly insightful. I know I'm going to find these classes easy and highly enjoyable... usually I want things to be too hard for me before they become interesting to me... its like if I can ken it... then its shit... and if I can't then it must be The Shit. Dig? Could be my low self-esteve talking..

LAMENT: AC broke so only got 5 hrs sleep... made promise that I would get to bed early... until work decided that I would have to stay two hours late and come in an hour early. Translation no sleep.

KT is in New York this weekend and my cell phone can't call her but she can call me... we have the same service (Cingular)... wtf is this shit... I'm sposed to be able to call all over the country. Its feces, the amount of misinformation allowed to be constantly piped to us... we need a ministry of truth... to bring fucking wrath to the liars. No roaming means, well no roaming... maybe after you rebuild your burned down husk of a coporate office you'll keep that in mind.

Oh yeah... no Katie for me... having withdrawels... also no Joe nor Jia... Marshall visited... but its like waving Hot n' Now in front of Astro... it just makes me twitch... then die... too bad it doesn't equate to an Astro-ratiod member. (1/2 body length)

My laptop is burning a hole in my leg which is normally endearing but sans AC its just too much heat... I want to beat it like a small child clamoring for my attention while I'm on a frustrating phone call... which reminds me...

I think I'm getting eviler... I've worried about this in the past... but now I just think of it... which is bad because it means thats its true... a good person would worry... an evil one would just find it academic... I wonder if there is an "absolute evil" or if it goes negative :) Seriously when I'm on a call with a screaming kid seriously damaging my eardrums and then the parent finally losed patience and goes on a beating spree... I find a very satisfied grin on my face... the child's sweet tears seriously bring me joy. I used to just joke around about that but now its reality. What if all my jokes turn out true... like in one of those brutally ironic Twilight Zone episodes. I think the constant exposure I have to the petty, stupid, irate, underhanded world of customer service... the more I feel my soul erroding... I try to express this to people but its impossible for them to really believe me or understand... I'm quicker to anger... and if posed with situations similar to customer service during my downtime I just snap... like if I'm asked to repeat myself for whatever reason(even legit reasons) I get insanely irrationally pissed off... mainly because people will pretend to not hear over and over when they get news they don't like while on the phone... and people will actively try to pick fights or start arguments about anything so they can feel like the person on the phone wronged them... its hard for me to not try to answer peoples questions even when they aren't interested in real answers... you know they start asking stuff like "so Comcast wants to kill my family?" and I'm like "No sir. Comcast has expressed zero interest in the family killing market. Please refer this and other excellent suggestions to the 'Contact Comcast' link on our homepage."


"Greaaaat!! Is there anything else I can help you with?"


"Greaaaat!! Is there anything else I can help you with?"


*five minutes later they call back and I get them and they act perfectly normal*

This may seem mildly amusing... but trust me after a couple years of this day in and out... its just soul crushing.


Mon, May. 3rd, 2004, 03:59 am

I think we need a cure for thirst. I'm not talking about no muthafucking drink... thats temporary shit... also could use a cure for hunger too... perhaps we could get like an uber chemical nutritional battery installed when we get old enough... then we could reroute our digestive system to be purely recreational. Hunger = pwnd.

That still leaves thirst... but now that I think about it hunger is more expensive so lets cure that one first.

Sun, Mar. 21st, 2004, 02:49 am
Dawn of the Dead

It might have been the sleep dep... or perhaps my love of all that is zombie... but the new Dawn of the Dead movie was the shizznit.

I have lucid dreams where I am in zombie movies or video games... I loved the Resident Evil games... even though I got bored after the 3rd one... because they were all the same plot... I once played the first few minutes of Silent Hill... which I liked... I played the first hour or so of Silent Hill 2... which was good... but I had to turn it back in... I read the plot summary of the game and its awesome... it has more plot than any movie I've seen... and it kept me guessing which I like.

Mon, Mar. 15th, 2004, 11:53 pm
Don't or do not... there is no triumph.

I think that when Yoda said "there is no try" he meant that you shouldn't bother trying because you are just going to fuck things up worse than they are already.

"Common sense" tells us that human decisions an actions are outside nature... science tells us that natural systems trend toward stability... sci-fi tells us that fucking with nature gets us sharks with freaking laser beams killing black people. Any well meaning or diabolical dabbling is disaster waiting... so what did we learn? Nature is good and free will is evil. Sloth is a virtue. Status quo is way to go. Heed intuition just curl up in the fetal position.

Damn this some good weed.

Wed, Feb. 18th, 2004, 11:55 pm
Crazy Purchasing

Got a new cell phone for 50 bucks using phone isurance... its new and under warrenty and better phone than the one I had before... yay!

Bought a Sunpass... to prepay my tolls with my credit card... means an end to scrounging for change etc... I need this because turnpike is by far the best road for me to use to go to school...25 dollars for the unit... 50 dollars on the account...yay!

Bought tickets to see Katie during my spring break... 200 bucks... yay!

Bought six months worth of car insurance... 1050 dollars... ouch!

Bought super secret belated Valentine's Day presents for Katie... to be delivered in person... priceless ;)

The Weird Science TV show is not bad... but then again I'm lame about the TV shows that I enjoy.

Wed, Feb. 18th, 2004, 02:40 am
Long Weekend...

The weekend passed quickly...

Sunday... talked with Katie most of the day. House sat for Joe's mom. Boring.

Monday... school... BBQ at Matt's uncle Ty's... more school... test... did well I think.

Tuesday... sat around house... nothing good on TV... played Halo... wished Halo 2 was done... hands hurt after many hours of alien slaying. Had fun speaking with Katie.

Wednesday... partly-school...followed by light suidide and certain doom.

As usual I post when tired... damn that I have to wake early for school.

Sat, Feb. 14th, 2004, 12:22 am
Argh I forgot my rule...

...I swore last time that I wouldn't housesit for Joe's mom again unless she got high speed internet. Damn me!

Get it already... when I mention stuff like that Barb makes it seem like her and Doug are living on welfare... uhn huh... not buying... get a fast connection or I kill.

I bombed my math test today... it wasn't a matter of not studying... which I didn't do... or did... or shutup... it was a matter of being so tired that all answers bubbled slowly up from the depths of my brain like the nifty bubble in Neutrogena T/gel... ooh pretty... times up! Wtf?! I'm sure I could have this done by next Friday... next time I'll remember not to work a 14hr shift at work in lieu of studying the night before... :p

Wed, Feb. 11th, 2004, 09:31 pm
Cell phone needs food badly...

I got that AIM osama evil thingy... so if you get any links from me ignore them... actually I think I have it removed... it required add/removing two programs... and deleting some registry. Shame on me for ignoring my golden rule of trust no one.

I just got the "insurance" for my cell phone which is good... if it breaks they will get me a refurbished phone for fifty bucks... seems better to me than paying 200 for a new phone or signing a two year contract to get a "free" one. I sense I will be using this insurance soon.

I'm so incredibly, horribly out of shape... I get tired breathing... I was only able to do like 10 curls last night... today I was able to do like 50 over the course of five hours... yeah pathetic... don't know why I'm so weak. Anyways... the curls are my feeble attempt to break the inertia and get my health on. I should have done crunches... but I was too lazy.

Progressive screwed up the routing number for my deposit... so basically I had no car insurance from them... even though they sent me additional paperwork and I returned that and everything seemed happy... no contact about my policy being cancelled... I noticed because I checked my bank statement and saw they didn't withdraw any money... so I called them and they were like oh yeah we cancelled that... I'm like thanks for telling me. Anyways its prolly for the best... I ended up paying for the 6 months all in one lump sum... cost me like 230 less over all. Still this month I have to tighten my belt...mainly because...

Work screwed up my paycheck again... so I helped out by walking the floor for 2.5 days... which would have been good for my paycheck if the TLs put me in for training... but they didn't... so I got minumum wage for that time which means about 140 dollars less on my paycheck. Grr.

My new shift is Thursday, Friday, and Saturday... 10am-12am. Three days on four days off.

I need to figure out how to make some extra money on my days off.

I'm watching Barb's place... until Monday.

Mon, Feb. 9th, 2004, 12:30 am
...and Dumber

I'm sure I mentioned how I sometimes get extremely hot... especially when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep... well I used to have a waterbad and I wouldn't use padding between me and the bed and I wouldn't use the bed's thermostat... so basically all the heat would be leeched away from my body and I would sleep in super comfy bliss... ah I miss you bed... alas my current dwelling is upstairs and not sturdy enough for a waterbed and the naughtiness that would transpire in said waterbed. *single tear*

So I have a mattress and springboard that I got for free... the problem is that it doesn't radiate the heat away from me fast enough... I sleep on my back... so my spine and neck get super hot and I think that my brain is actually starting to be damaged by the sheer amounts of heat... my gf says that you can lose brain cells during fevers... and this is much like a fever... I do know that I wake with severe headaches... and I dont feel very rested... it helps when I sleep on my side or stomach... but thats not how I sleep... so I just end up dozing like that and waking up like wtf!? why am I on my stomach... I gonna die!!!

Things would be ok if I could make my room cold enough... but our central air system much like our whole electrical system is fucked... and its a big house vs small room... not worth the money... also not worth my teeth rattling out of my head... the main AC is right outside my room... so my walls and door rattle... and sometime I feel my heartbeat syncing with a rapid counter beat and I wake freaking out because my heart is racing to catch up to the vibrations... craziness... also I can hear it and I'm a light sleeper... and the rattling gives me a headache... and actually the bed insulates too well... I could be cold on my chest but microwaving my brain... sadness.

I wonder if I could get some kind of cooling pillow... or just swap out ice packs... grr. My room is small and that is bad because I heat that shit up too quickly... I've been toying with the idea of getting a small AC unit for the window... but I'm almost as poor as I am lazy.

If I had the jumpsuit Matt and I are designing... I would just sleep in that as PJs... patent pending mofos... ok I lie.

Tue, Feb. 3rd, 2004, 12:09 am
Would anyone tell me if I were getting dumber?

No need to tell me... I already know its an emphatic "YES!" My older posts were at least somewhat interesting... now I just right about going to the store buying a stick of butter, some milk, a loaf of bread and a prostitute... or maybe that is jon :P

I've figured out that I'm not all that much dumber... its that with my current job I'm on the phone talking all day... mindless talk... no time for creative thought... this is part of the reason the job is destroying me. I need a job thats mentally stimulating or that allows me time to loaf and contemplate the universe and my gf's ass.(super sweet)

So strangely... as the evil of work destroys the fragile tapestry of my mind... I find the stress acting as a crucible that allows for positive change along with the debilitating mental breakdowns... I find a strength in futility... in the pointlessness of all things... I find myself considering things that I would have considered impossible for me... and actually acting on them... have I ironically found the motivation I have always lacked by finally proceeding through the looking-glass of depression? "Ironic as fuck!" Perhaps by giving up on changing the world I have final gained the power to invoke change. Poopoo pants poopoo pants.

I still want my coffin... no I'm not some goth fuxor... I just like a controlled environment for my sleeping. I could hook a small AC plus thermostat in the coffin and it would keep me cool for very few dollars... I would use one of the ultra efficient AC units that arent so... styrofoam cup. Also my coffin would be well shielded from sound... and perhaps fireproof in case someone yells "fire" and the soundproofing is too good... and comfy... padded walls, roof.. etc... you know what... I want a fat bastard piano coffin... so that I can have KT in there with me... if she gets too cold she can snuggle me. Did I mention the TV in the lid? yeah... and its got a full media bar... DVDs, mp3s etc. How about it science?

Actually I considered making this for myself long ago... perhaps now that I have newfound motivation I can actually work on this project... surround sound... mother of god... this coffin idea gets better every time I think about it.

Should I make it out of wood? I need to watch to home improvement channels to learn me some skills. Dont want a splinter in me sac.

Nite nice people.

Mon, Feb. 2nd, 2004, 12:37 am

I have a new work schedule:

Tuesday-Saturday 8am-4pm.

I get to leave for a couple of hours on Wed and Fri to go to class. I will prolly work late on Wed to make up those hours.

Thanks to the switch I got 4 days off work... nice... I slacked on Friday... I talked with KT all day Saturday while we both slacked... I solo-slacked most of Sunday catching up on a small amount of Modern Algebra homework. Monday I hope to get most of my Numerical Methods lab completed.

Time for sleep.

Sun, Feb. 1st, 2004, 04:38 am

Completed all 300 missions of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. I would have finished sooner if I had realized that reading the Rumors triggers new missions. Its a fun game... but I was merely going through the motions for the last 75 missions.

The game is awesome... but I will note some sections that could have been better.

The Law System: Some people think that it adds an element of strategy to the game... some people are morons. The problem is that you and the computer can do anything that is against the law... The menu system makes it annoying to check the laws so I tend to not bother and get caught... then I reset the game because I can't stand losing a stat point. Whats really amusing besides the fact that the computer loses nothing by breaking the law is that some opponents have a special status that makes it so they are less penalized... uhm less than zero? Actually its so they can break the law and kill one of your guys with impunity... lame. It would have been nice if you just couldn't do anything that was illegal... like those options were gray with that law in effect... that would add strategy... also it would make cards that add laws actually useful... or perhaps if the computer breaks the law you get bonus money or items when the battle is over... or make more of the battles have set unchangable laws like the palace battles.

Stealing: You can steal full suits of armor but you can't steal shoes?

Jobs: Some classes suck... Soldier is completely useless...it gains HP the best but the other stats are bad enough to make it worthless... it has no useful abilities. Warrior the Bangaa version of Soldier at least has good enough stats to make it an option for leveling... still has bad abilities. Illusionists are slow and don't do enough damage to really make them worth it... maybe as a backup ability set... but I didnt want to risk leveling as one...etc. Yadda yadda... I really like this job system...perhaps slim down the number of jobs and make them more unique.

Hmm perhaps if you were given the option to level up in any class of you had access to... yeah that would be better... it would take much of the annoyance factor out of the game.

Hunting: Max percent chance of hunting is 24%... this is lame(re:45 minutes to capture one monster)... if you want to slow things down initially thats ok... but add a special item that you get really late game that gives you like 75% chance to hunting... or 100% when something is asleep.

Final Boss: Everything up to this point is cake... then she chain casts Totemas so that you die in two or three turns... thats stupid... there should be some way to counter or defend against this to make the battle actually interesting... they forced me to chain cast Totemas myself and kill her before she moved.

Almost all the fights are either 4 on 4 or 6 vs 6... uhm it would have been neat to have more variety... sure there a one-on-one and a few 4 vs. 1... but it would have been cool to see more 10 vs 10... or even 4 vs 10... it could have made things a little more challenging.

Game Text: This games has the worst of both worlds with regards to dialogue... its slow AND it doesn't always pause at the end when someone talks... so no glancing away during the 15 minute streches of heartfelt lameness... might miss some actual plot. I recommend pauses at the end of all sentences... and it displaying instantly when you click the button... for those of us that can read 3 words in under a minute.

Leveling: It can be annoying... when people offer to join you their level is the same the average level of your clan members... perhaps there should be an option to pay a hefty fee that would level neglected characters up to that average. That way its not easier just to ditch characters that you've neglected for a while for new already leveled characters... its easier to gain abilities than levels thanks to dispatch missions... so previously earned abilities dont matter... unless you are a blue mage... speaking of....

Blue Mages: You can only learn abilites that are cast on you... so basically forcing us to capture monsters and force them to attack our own people so that they can learn the abilities... or just keep hitting wait and crossing our fingers. It would be less annoying if the blue mages could learn any abilities cast during combat... not just ones cast on them.

Argh... its insanely late... I'm a moron.

Sat, Jan. 31st, 2004, 10:28 pm
Commercial Woes

Phatjoe once convinced me that advertisors create this false sense of need and then claim to be able to fill that need when you "consume."

Often when I find myself bored and alone... I get the urge to eat something... even when I'm not hungry... even if I'm full! Sometimes I spot this and laugh at myself for falling prey their tricks... but its evil. Matt always says that he must purchase goods and services every day... he is kinda joking except not because he does actually do it every day...

I think about all the unhappy people... that feel like they are missing something in their lives... I used to figure this was a result of the survival instinct... the "get more stuff" urge that supposedly leads to more security etc... but now I consider that entire industries are designed to inflate that "get more stuff" urge into a "YOU NEED MORE STUFF!" attitude. This is unhealthy. Look at the way we are rapidly becoming a fat bastard nation... think about all the people that take it to extremes and spend all their money on random things instead of what they really could use etc. Its scary.

The government has many laws that are designed to protect us... even from ourselves... I think that this psychological form of advertisement should be made illegal. I think of it as psychological pollution at best and a direct psychological attack at worst.

On that note I will go buy some ice cream because I am alone and bored and full.

Sat, Jan. 31st, 2004, 01:25 am
21 Grams

21 Grams... good movie but each scene is like only one minute long... which is interesting and well done... however I kept feeling like each scene was a commercial with its own message... and I kept thinking about the different catch phrases... like "Jesus: the eternal crutch!" etc.

I'm not sure if I told you all that everything I ever learned about women I learned from "Fist of the North Star"... its true... watch and learn. I wouldnt recommend the TV series it seems like a million outakes from the movie... "Ah could we do that again... I'm sure I can make him blow up faster?!"

That makes me think of the whole alternate universe thing that a lot of anime series seem to do... after much deliberation I think I dont like it... yeah sure we get to have all the same characters we know and love back... but uhm I like things to make at least some sense... I mean you can really have much character development without some kind of stable timeline... also the plotlines seem to degrade with each iteration until inevitably its all the same characters but now they are in high school together... uhm half of these people are aliens... shit you even have the dark overlord guy back as a bully ganking lunch money... lame. Write a true sequal you lazy asian fucks.

Sorry to harp on FotNS:TV but I'm watching it... its lame because Ken starts in uber powerful mode and never encounters anyone he cant kill in one second... but he always uses his delayed death thing for dramatic effect except he always does it... so its played.

Did I mention I'm immense and immortal?

Sun, Jan. 25th, 2004, 11:24 pm
Your soul is mine!

So KT bought me a GBA with FFTA and Super Mario World... and she was slightly worried that I would play too much and neglektor her... but when we were driving around she ended up playing while I drove and she got so addicted that when she got back to CT she bought herself a GBA and two games... she just finished Korean-ing Super Mario World... getting all the stars etc. *beams with pride* I'm glad she took a shine to video games I was worried I was going to have to get a chip implanted in her head....

Sun, Jan. 25th, 2004, 02:43 am
Home Improvement

Didnt get much homework done this week... I tried to get the things I needed to hang clothes in my closet... but my closet is very narrow so I need to get a smaller rod... hmm... the rod is small I might be able to cut it to length with an axe... now if I only had an axe.

I did succeed in moving our entertainment center to the corner of our living room... this required moving lots of random junk and moving a heavy peice of furniture alone... then I dusted and cleaned with pledge... went to walmart got some audio/video cables and re-configured our entertainment setup. Looks better... has more functionality.

I need to get Matt or Kt (my interior decorators) to take a look at the place now and give me some pointers... so sleepy...

Fri, Jan. 23rd, 2004, 02:06 am
Fuck hope.

They brought in a new TL from outside the account... and he was already a dick to me.

I really hate management when they hire from without to put someone in charge of people. It seems like a huge slap in the face to all the people that work there.(not just me) I guess the managers want things to be better and they figure... oh if anyone of these people could have done it better they would have already... so they must be fucking morons that need more guidance. When really the truth is... if people just started doing things that would make more sense... management would fire them. Don't rock the boat... let no good deed go unpunished etc. Fucking fuckers. What I end up doing is secretly finding ways to make my job more efficient... but sometimes I just get so disgusted I just have to say something... I can't let things go... so...

I sent the big boss lady and email asking her if she would like to hear some of my ideas about how to make things better... she agreed to speak with me and I can't objectively guess how things went... she seemed receptive... she wrote shit down... I actually don't care if anything comes of it... because its out of my hands... it was a moral dilemma for me... I couldn't just work each day knowing better ways to things without saying something... *shrug* ok in a while it will piss me off if nothing comes of it... but I think Matt was right when he said... "Man you gotta quit that job... and blow them up." (Its on record now!)

Wed, Jan. 21st, 2004, 03:09 am

Work is busy again... we hired mad people and now there are 150 people on our account. I've been playing TL again and its been nice to get off the phones.

One of the TLs quit so it looks like they will need two with all the extra people... maybe they will make me a REAAAL BOY... hehe.

I'm crazy insomniac... I can't sleep ever... I lie down... toss and turn forever then maybe catch and hour or two of coma then I wake up before my alarm goes off... futilely attempt to got back to sleep for an hour or so then get up and shower and begin day. Perhaps I am going insane.

I'm consuming books instead of sleep... in between books I'll read like a page or two a day of the Bachman books... btw the Long Walk reminds me of why Stephen King is one of the best writers... ever. Great writing leaves you reeling... feeling insane for days... weeks after you read it... I first got that feeling by reading Lovecraft... thank you touchofgrey... then when I read old King like.... Salem's Lot or Skeleton Crew... etc. One of Dean Koontz's books did that to me... I wont say which one... I'm trying to think if any other book fuxed up me head... but the battery on lappy top is going... I should be sleeping anyway.

Mon, Jan. 12th, 2004, 01:27 am

I've had the hiccups for the last 8 hours... and they are V-hiccups that almost make me puke every 3rd or 4th event. I keep trying to eat and drink things to fix it... but it just makes it harder not to yak.

It was really bad at work because if I focus I could control them... but when I had to answer peoples questions it would strike mid-syllable so that I sounded like I had a speech impediment. People were thinking how nice of Comcast to hire the candyhapped.

I ate so much food today I feel like the chubmaster general.

Sun, Jan. 11th, 2004, 02:27 am

Masters of the Universe is da shizznit.

Lesson: I needed razors so I thought hey... I'll buy some cheap publix razors and at $1.89 I figured if I get 3 days worth of shaves per razor it would be a good deal... well you get zero decent shaves with these razors... I would do better taking steak knives and scraping them across my face. Buy the expensive razors!

On that note off to butcher my face.

Sat, Jan. 10th, 2004, 05:15 pm

Its been a long time since my last confession... I've been busy with switching over to a new work schedule.

Sun-Wed 3pm-11pm

This means I will get more sleep... I thought this would be a good thing but I'm not so sure now.

Anyways I wanted to post before butit was daunting because I had so much to report... then I remembered I don't like reports so I didnt bother... I will shorten things...

It was good to see my friends during the holidays but I had shitty work the whole week so it fucked it all up... I felt starved... not enough joe, kt, marshall, becky... etc. I tried to work everyone in but I think I only succeeded in making everyone feel left out... doh.

I had a huge fight with KT... then another less volitile but somehow worse fight with her. Now things are in healing mode I think, but things are still tense. Its going to be rough as long as we are so far apart. :(

So now I'm only taking two classes with the new work schedule... I've got Numerical Analysis 2 and Modern Algebra. I'm doing the Modern Algebra... independent study otherwise I wouldn't be able to fit it into my schedule. I know I'm lame because I'm super excited about the Numerical Analysis class... yes we are doing partial pivoting, Marshall... I need to find some way to retain this knowledge I feel its the most import stuff I've learned ever.

Ok the fifth Dark Tower book was probably the best one yet... Thankie Sai!! Now I'm pissed that the other two aren't out yet... I think he said that he has finished them already... stop holding out mofo... give us the sweet sweet candy!

I'm feeling that tornado of emotion where I'm somehow on an upswing and downswing at the same time.

Saw the movie Versus last night... it was good... the camera action was downright awesome at times... I think with a few small modifications it could have been a great movie.

Tue, Dec. 30th, 2003, 12:14 am
Holiday Fun.

Thank you Katie for the GBA that I've been playing constantly. (ditto Joe) I was playing while driving... and I almost died... in real life not the game.

Thank you Becky for the book I'm reading... Dark Tower five baaaaabeeee.

Thank you Marshall for the DVD Freddy got Fingered... one of those movies that grows on you until you think its the ultimate.

And Fuck everyone who didnt gimmie!!! Just kidding I never expected such a haul... thanks again.

I had much fun hanging with Joe, Marshall, Katie and Becky... even though shitty work made it so that I didn't get to see you all nearly enough. I didn't get to see Jodi and Jia... sadness is.

I'm going to change my work shedule... this current one sucks ass... and it no longer is sweet for school... also I'm changing my plans for next semester... methinks I'm going to only take two classes instead of 3... it will fit better with the two "best fit" schedules I could get for work.

I plan to instead study quasi-diligently for the first two Actuarial exams and take them this Spring... I figure after the exams I will have a better answer to this question "is this for me?" From what I'm told these exams are essentially courses unto themselves so I can hit the snooze on the slacker alarm going off in my brain.(for now)

Visited with my father and grandfather today... it was strange to have just the three of us first borns for 3 generations all together.

Strangly pleasant... strangly disturbing... disurbingly pleasant... etc.

How many spin cycles can my laundry have?

Wed, Dec. 24th, 2003, 12:07 am

Joe is here... Marshall is here... KT is here... I have work so I have no time for any of them.

Still Joe drew first blood by arriving first... we played some Vampire card game... he kicked my ass... although I basically screwed myself by overextending the second game... I wasnt thinking like a vampire... not long term enough.

Katie and I exchanged gifts... my presents felt lame even though I tried really hard. Katie got me a Gameboy Advanced and Final Fantasy Tactics as well as Mario something 2... Joe got me Warrio-ware... as well as another Gameboy Advanced... Katie now hates me and Joe because she feel like here gift was spoiled... I say no way... she got me the game I really wanted... now what to do with the extra Gameboy... I leant the one I opened to Kt so she could have fun... I'm too busy at work for that.

I've been extremely tired recently... no energy. It comes in severe waves... usually at work or on the way to work... argh I need to find more sleep... or better job... I think they might have fired one of the other TLs on my account... not sure. Strange considering they just hired a bunch more people... I'm worried if things are weird I wont be able to work in the 3 classes I want to take next semester.

Happy Christmas

Tue, Dec. 16th, 2003, 02:53 pm


Sun, Dec. 14th, 2003, 09:23 pm
More Movies

Signed up for membership at Hollywood Video... I had to give them insane amounts of information about me... there is no way I'm ripping those guys off.

This will give me an alternative to Blockbuster which seems to always fail me when I'm looking for a specific movie.

I rented a bunch of movies no one else would watch with me... Shanghai Knights, Malibou's Most Wanted, and Bad Boys 2.

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