I think I used to have brief moments of clarity...those moments may have been delusional but they had a sense of focus or maybe peace that appeals to my current mind. I cant seem to hold a thought for long... it seems... but maybe I'm holding the same miserly thoughts to exclusion of others... holding them so tight I cannot properly mentally observe them... they are uncomfortable if not acutely painful... these thoughts... I instinctively claimed them as my own... but do I want them... and where is the real source of discomfort... the thoughts, the shape of mind... the else... the loss.
It is true that any loss implies a temporary boon... I hope to find my way around to that line of reasoning soon.